Rabbits are cute:)

羨慕

我不是妒忌 我只是羨慕。

我羨慕你們一起笑的畫面

我羨慕你會拉著她的手說 陪我去哪裡哪裡 然後笑著一起離開

我羨慕如果有什麼秘密心事八卦 你們之間有的那條線 是我沒有的 

我羨慕你們能一起共享早餐 午餐 晚餐

我羨慕你們永遠不是最後一個被記得的

我羨慕你們不是人群後落單的那個影子

我羨慕你們不管做什麼事情從來都沒有被分開過

我羨慕你們在一起的時候是多麼的自然 而不是那份小心翼翼和客氣

我羨慕你們永遠不會是會一個人的那個人

我羨慕你們不用為這些事煩惱 不快樂

我羨慕你們的一切 然後自己一個人傻笑。

我很羨慕 請你們好好珍惜好不好。

儘管有些東西是我有的然而你們卻沒有的就是一個人。

Wednesday.

跳躍般的音符

我把自己綁在彩色氣球上因為單純的我以為氣球有一天會把我帶走,去一個很遠很遠很遠的地方。也許是去度假,也許帶我去看星星,也許帶我去天堂,也許是遙遠溫暖的家。不管是哪裡,那個地方一定很美麗很快樂。

眼睛才是我這輩子最值得擁有的相機。它的快門速度和像素誰也無法超越,記憶容量也如此。因為它讓我記得每一個感動每一個笑容每一個回憶,它是人性化的。

在我還未懂事的那年,就離鄉背井到外求學,儘管一整年沒什麼時間能呆在家裡,陪陪你們但我知道我們家裡的孩子都懂得什麼是愛就如你們愛我們一般。母親與我亦親也亦友,她總是那麼了解我的性格,也從不斷開導我規勸我安慰我幫助我。愛很滿說不出口。願母親節快樂。

時間很快就過去了,我不斷跟自己這樣說。一年兩年三年四年五年也許誰也不是誰,誰也不是誰的誰了。媽媽說,這個世界上唯一不變的就是它一直在變。人生,何必計較那麼多?做人要看得開,要為自己而活,為自己而開心,這樣才是真正屬於自己的快樂?我沒有把話當作耳邊風,只是我聽進去了,腦袋和心臟不知要怎麼操作。

當我們之間越來越遠的時候,有時甚至一句話也說不上,我都遠遠看著你們的笑聲,因為我聽不到笑臉的故事。也許不是因為我,所以陽光灑落在你們身上。我是烏雲,還是遠遠的好。我不是一個人,因為還有雨點。儘管有時候它也不在我身邊,但我還是努力學習不去看見我的落寞。當我們越來越來越來越遠的時候...

我不完美。才希望你完美。但過程中,我們都卻越來越不完美,越來越不是自己。

每一次說再見以為所有的不愉快都要結束時,我等到的又是另外一個天亮和噩夢的開始。周而復始,睜開眼又是在等另外一個天亮。問自己"今天又是什麼天?"

May-the summer girl

yes or no

I'm so scare to hear people saying "NO" to me,but i would do the same if you ask me this.

It's ok,i told myself.
i should adapt and accept it since very early but i didn't.
maybe i'm asking the not very right suggestion/invitiation/anything at the right time.
maybe the reason you say 'no' to me is because i'm the person asking for.
maybe...maybe..maybe...everytime i will hunt so many appropriate reasons for you.
because i know it's my own psychological problem.i'm sick people.
I just wanna have something fun and memories and make us all closer.but i won't do so anymore since there are too many complications everytime once i voice out.

I just can't afford the two little alphabets'n'&'o'

hence,I give up.

人,是否有那個不看不聽不聞的權利?我想是有的,假裝的。

很多時候我想讓自己的思緒放鬆,專心處理眼前的事情那麼簡單就好。哪怕就只是掛在線上,其他亂七八糟的東西都被抵抗在保護圈外。我記得,初二那一年有那麼幾分鐘，我的腦呆瓜真的什麼都沒有，而是用嘴巴去感受那一份快樂。那種感覺很難得,好吧我慶幸我曾經擁有。

照顧了那麼多病人。看著他們煎熬痛苦,忍受著藥物治療帶來的痛苦還有心靈上受到的創傷。我真的覺得為什麼人生就是這麼的累。生老病死,的確誰都逃不過。但現在的我已經找不到人生的意義,我覺得世界好灰暗。

唉。有時真的不想再走下去了。因為我連自己都找不到,怎麼能尋找到人生的意義活著的目標?

函潔好想放棄自己:'(

有這麼一個地方,這麼一個人。

“潔,怎麼電話這麼難打?”

“嗯,沒有聽到電話響。什麼事嗎?”

"我還以為你失踪了."

"就知道你會講這句,呵。我在家啦。"

"還沒有睡覺嗎?"

"差不多了,找我什麼事情嗎?"

"沒有啦,問你好不好咯。"

"不好,因為我很想念你。"

"怎麼?讀到很顯了啊?"

"是咯,我很想回家啊!"

“都要假期了,放假哪裡都不要去了不然沒有時間在家。”

"嗯,我知道,我沒有要去哪裡。"

"你很累嗎?怎麼聲音顯顯醬。"

"有一點累了。"

"潔，你心情不好是嗎?"

“沒有啦,我很好。”

"做人不要想這樣多,你看爸爸現在什麼都不要去想了活得多開心。做人要開心一點。"

"嗯,我懂。"
"是不是住在那裡很不開心?"
“沒有。”我的眼淚已經在打滾了。
"是不是有人欺負你?"
“沒有啦。”連聲音也哽咽了。
"有什麼事情就跟媽媽說,知道嗎?"
“嗯.”
“是不是有發生什麼事情?不要不開心。跟媽媽講啦。”
"沒有。以後再說,我很累了。"
"好吧,累了就去睡覺。不要想太多了。"
"okay,拜拜。"


這已經不知是第幾次了。
我不知道後來我哭了多久,後來的我也毫無意識地睡著了。早上醒來收到媽媽掛線後的信息,放工回來看到媽媽在面子書的留言,我的眼淚也一直流。因為不知誰把難過帶到今天然後變成失意,讓我諸事不順,連碰釘子。腦子裡也是一堆沒有答案的煩惱。

在這裡快一年了,我從未告訴家中的媽媽我不快樂,即使見面我也總是臉掛笑容,裝著很有主見。我要讓她知道我長大了,不必為我操心了。然而我卻沒有,我沒有做到。我知道媽媽很愛我,我一直都知道。所以一直都不忍心要她替我擔心。我知道她會掛著我的事情,吃不好睡不安。我每次只有通過遠遠長長的電話線,告訴她最近去了哪裡,買了什麼,和朋友都很好,考試有進步...默默地告訴她--函潔在這裡很好哇。但我卻愚蠢到一個地步,我不知道她其實都知道。

媽媽,我其實每次都好想我在這裡好不快樂。我每晚都在掉眼淚,以為哭過痛就會過了。我真的好想什麼都不理就這樣回那個遙不可及的家。我好想休息。我不懂為什麼人與人之間總有那麼多矛盾；我不懂為什麼長大這麼難；我不知道活著要那麼大的勇氣；我不知道為什麼我這麼在乎這一切；我不知道為什麼自己這麼無能無用。連佛祖都不能回答我。

我,能不能回家?

也好想和你们一起享受;(

也许是我不配

Woo-hoo.

feel so FRESH after cut my hair.i can feel the air swinging and embracing my neck=D.look so chubby.

The head become so light because less burden now.maybe 0.5kg,i think.indirectly it refresh my mind and de-stress me lot.but the next minute i start to imagine their oh my god face.haha.i told them i won't cut my hair short before and i promise.but my decision changed when the barber keep telling me i should have a hair treatment and hear my frizzy hair was singing "ziiii..ziii...ziii" when cutting it.

i feel so nervous during the almost one and half hour.yeap,one and half hour.haha.the longest time i use.the barber also suffering there.because i really crazy when making the decision.so i only know laughing and laughing there.haha.feel like laughing like a psycho again.i enjoy it=D because i'm so wanted to see my new hairstyle even if it's bad.but i love  it still.Thanks,nic.

maybe long hair look nicer.i  know.i love long hair too.haih,i don't know what to do also,waiting for another one and half year.sorry girls.when looking at your face expression,me feel so surprise too.

-----

there are too many things happened recently and i feel so hard.seriously hope everything can be dumped and threw it away far far if possible.i should quit the game.i tried and still trying.hope i could be better and i don't want make people sad anymore.i afraid looking people upset there.me kinda lost if they are esp those closer to me.i'm not good in comfort people yet.sorry.get happier people,for you and me.

love ya♥

New beginning.

Change a new layout,so i should have a brand new frame of mind.Healthy and optimistic mind.and make my life being colourful like the rainbow,the flower rain is falling inside my heart,and the dark side is subsided because of the bright sun.hope i really can do it.

today is the first day of my clinical posting.all still remain the same---bored.but the group member is different and we are follow the new CI.haha.it's ok i tell myself.i can work with new people and learn more from this.new experience also;D

but

3 clinical assessment+procedure assessment+2 case study+uncountable crosses+summative is waiting for me!!like the tsunami.Doooooom~ then i gone.:(((

i have lots to tell but somehow i become so speechless suddenly.haih.see you guys tomorrow.

Thanks Tai today.

He told me that i'm not Washington so i can't demand everyone love me so.nice description,tai=D

so i should control my lacrimal gland from today,she is tired of working for me for weeks.

昨天和家人聚了聚。我很开心,很想把时间捉着永远停留,因为我知道这份快乐很难拥有。可是我心底最深处还是有个漩涡不断挣扎翻滚着---回去了又要怎么面对。然后越来越大不断翻滚像个黑洞把我整个人吸了进去。

每次周末离开,我实在很烦恼该不该走留或不留。我好怕每次辛辛苦苦建立起来的关系就因此断了,然后又回到原点。也许,我还不够勇敢去面对。短短二十四的小时的离开我可能就因为变得一无所知,也无法参与。像是圈外的圈,不能融为大圈圈里。

我不敢厚脸皮的黏着人家。

我不敢厚脸皮的要人家陪我去这里那里。

我不敢厚脸皮去对别人死缠烂打。

我不敢厚脸皮去破坏一群人的欢愉。

因为我好怕 我好怕自己被排斥却不知道 还做了这么多荒谬的小动作。

我宁愿自己一个人坐在一边静静的 看着听着别人笑声和嬉闹。虽然依然感到孤单和彷徨。

也许妈妈说得对,说我很孤僻。但我也不想的。我背负的罪恶太重,连自己都好讨厌自己。觉得自己就像过路老鼠人人喊打。我是不是患了被害幻想症?

有个声音一直告诉我-- 函洁 你才是你自己最大的敌人。

那个 朋友对不起

我实在无法欺骗自己告诉你说 我一点事都没有 没有生气你。

也许20岁的我真的很幼稚 但是我无法忍受这一切的一切

只能残忍地告诉你 这一切都太迟了

痛楚没了但伤痕依然还在啊!

也许你我都需要时间。

我还是由衷的谢谢薇和瑱/
没有你们两个 我不会活到现在

Say thank you to you is my biggest wish:)

when you having the only negative thoughts,the world will turn in to dark and cold.alone and lonely.

i can see some sunlight is trying to catch me and change my world.i feel warm and comfort but i still scared.i just worry the sunshine will leave me again and live in long dark night forever.i scared.extremely scare and afraid.

I'm sorry,my friends.i know i'm capricous,bad-temper.i can smile to you but bad mood at next moment.especially wingmei,i know is being hard for having such a roomate...i apologize to you.still thank you for those caring and never give up of me.

would you give me your hand and lead me to a brighten world? 

Life is hard.this is what i get since i experienced everything tough.the hardest is i left home when i was only 13 and everything is become harder due to this.i have to be independent,strong,think critically,tough,brave...you should/would,depend on you.and i always thought i 'would',but actually i should be the person.no why,because i fail and i'm almost 20 now.

this is the very first time i feel so helpless and  my doomsday is coming.what i only know is crying and crying for almost two days.and i still need to pretend happy and cheerful in front people,means"I'm better now."the temporary happiness maybe work and turn into real happiness.but still fake and you can roll to the endless bottom again.trust me.

i hate myself for being observe everything in "micro" way,and sixth sense is always right,and everyday query query inside my heart,seriouly i can't afford it anymore.i hope somebody can rescue me far far farrrrrrrrrrrr away.i feel like dying and me completely hurt...

i'm a adolescent.searching for identity and relationship between friends is 100% important,for me.even i failed in this subject with very bad result.i don't know whether give up or remain.i hate myself so much.i'm living without any target.

i worry i'm melancholic.